featured image shot by Delilah Lovejoy and Eli Lu

Track Dissection aims to capture the essence of an artist’s song: the effort behind it, the context surrounding it, and the emotions etched within it. In each piece, the artist pulls back the curtain of their work, revealing its intimacies.

---

I lost my voice to an excruciating surgery that saved me from lymphatic tumors which had developed in my throat. As I got more sick, and especially leading up to the surgery, I began having visions of a dark figure occupying the corner of my bedroom. With nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to see, I had plenty of time to lay in bed and watch as it grew in size and clarity. The surgery was a success, but rendered me literally voiceless. It took months to regain my speaking voice, years and intensive vocal coaching to rebuild my singing voice – forever changed, though for the better (the harm and the benefit). As I got healthier, the ghost faded, but I still check the corner of my room most nights.

This song marked the beginning of me writing about this experience after years of not doing so. The lyrics and melody to the chorus came easily once the song structure became clear – the verses on the other hand were a bit more difficult. After recording and deleting and bouncing ideas off of Noa, I realized the challenge was trusting myself to open up this vulnerable memory and share pieces of it out loud. On the other side of that came a cathartic, honest song.

Sonically, the whole thing started with the bass line. Commanding and insistent, the bass line invokes Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails and Meshell Ndegeocello. The drum parts came next, written by me and brilliantly translated by Sam Mostowfi. After vocals, an eerie ambiance leapt out of my guitar that begged for more. Zahria Sims brought my horn arrangements to life on saxophone, and Joey Laborde added a deeply felt upright bass layer.

The overall impact of this song is greatly owed to my collaborator and producer Andreas Jahn. Their ability to transmute abstract sentiments into something tangible is amazing, they have a fabulous ear and unique production style that turned this song into a twisting, haunting creature.

As a Scorpio, this song really scratches the itch for me. Brooding, sexy, a little scary. It communicates the feeling I (and others with their own ghosts) had of being in that room, silent, trying to make sense of a ghost.

Drums were recorded at Downman Sounds in New Orleans LA and engineered by Graham Robinson, all other instruments and vocals were recorded at Andreas’ and my respective home studios.

---

Lyric Annotation

So, you never did get over it

It stands over you when you lay in bed

This line comes from my long struggle with insomnia. at its worst, it can feel as if it’s taken corporeal shape, and is literally standing over me. Y’know how you can feel when someone is staring at you, like a physical pressure? It’s like that. 

Makes you live in the consequence

And takes the form of your old friends,

Your old friends

A regular form my anxious thoughts (often paired w/ insomnia) take are along the lines of: remember that shitty thing you did to that person who cared about you? These are often the hardest thoughts to shake. It took me many years and traumas to learn how to be a responsible friend, not that I always get it right now either. I’ve tried to make amends where I can, and be better, but the regrets are sticky. 

Change looks you in the eye

And says: “I’ll never leave”

Change looks you in the eye

And says: “You can count on me”

This sentiment has been an equal comfort and terror. When times are good, it reminds me to take note and really savor them. When times are bad, it reminds me they won’t be that way forever.

 The harm and the benefit

You’re gonna have to learn

To live with both sides of it

The harm and the benefit

You’re gonna have to learn

To live with both sides of it

When this song was first introducing itself to me, I thought it wanted to build to a hard-rock, Deftones-esque chorus.  In fact, I think the very first Logic project draft was literally titled “Deftones thing” (lol). After some squeezing and squirming, I understood that’s not what it really wanted, in fact it wanted to go the opposite direction: a down, simple, repetitive chorus with the core elements of the song laid bare. Once I figured that out, the chorus walked right out of me fully formed, like Athena from Zeus’s forehead (thankfully with less of a headache).

Has the ghost got to your head?

It stands on your back when you least expect

Spends your sleepless nights convincing you

That you’re dead to them:

Your old friends,

It’s your only friend

This is a continuation of the first verse. when anxious thoughts and sleep deprivation go unchecked for too long, they open the door for their even worse compatriots: isolation, despondency, suicidal ideation. It’s at these times that depression feels like being lost in the desert but refusing water. So often connection has proven to be a potent salve to my depression. Yet as my need for it grows, so too does its distance from me.

Change looks you in the eye
And says: “I’ll never leave”
Change looks you in the eye
And says: “You can count on me”

The harm and the benefit
You’re gonna have to learn
To live with both sides of it

The harm and the benefit
You’re gonna have to learn
To live with both sides of it

The harm and the benefit
You’re gonna have to learn
To live with both sides of it

The harm and the benefit
You’re gonna have to learn
To live with both sides of it

---

Check out the song (& it’s inspirations) here!